The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

As a general book-junkie and frequent reader of topics on health, psychology, fitness, relationships, business, philosophy, cognitive science, and occasionally even a good old novel....I can say without the slightest hesitation that this book is a gigantic stand out from the regular sludge of self-help / advice lit out there. The book really does a terrific job of fulfilling its own promises to the reader. There is useful takeaway here. I’m very surprised at how much. Terry expertly balances some theory (more accurately I should say thought-models) with practice, anticipates and addresses the likely challenges and objections, provides genuinely interesting and realistic vignettes for each sub section, and left me feeling as though I had truly learned something utterly new: how is it that we can affect the course of our love-relationships unilaterally, how you can initiate a change by understanding how you are perpetuating the problems that plague your relationship. He does not preach, he even ends the book with a realistic assessment of when its time to split, but you’ll actually know if you’ve really done all that is humanly possible or not. The pain of doubt as to whose to blame for what, whether to endure or depart, how to diffuse conflict, etc etc etc...all so very well described. By the way, I’ll probably offend someone in saying this last point but I don’t care, it needs being said; most relationship salvaging books are written in a feminine mode, usually by woman or by men who seem to me very much lacking in masculinity....not so here. Guys, this one’s for us. The writing is assertive, incisive, yes - emotionally open, but in a good way that never alienated me (I’m a 56 year old Jersey dude who loves rock and roll and all that goes with it) and still I say this. Hope you liked my review. Thanks to APC for referring this book to me. Thanks Terry. Write another one soon.

Would make a great gift for young couples. Worth reading for the succinct explaination of the five losing strategies that trip us up, and the very clear explaination of healthy boundaries. Understand these things and you have what you need to be happy. I don't agree with the theory that we marry people to help us heal our past relationship issues, though I've read that before, but I do believe we often get involved with people with whom we have the same dysfunctional issues that plagued our past, because it's what's familiar, if unhealthy. Dysfunction often breeds dysfunction that just keeps repeating itself. It probably doesn't matter why we get into that situation, just that we do, and we need help. It seems like we should have it worked out by now, instead of every generation having to deal with the same issues the hard way, as if they are new, or unique or unforeseeable. A very useful guide for how to get things right. Do it right, and pass it down, and the divorce rate might drop dramatically! It's true that couples today do have their own new challenges as well, and this book does a good job of explaining that.

My female embodiment coach recommended me this book during our coaching together. At the time, I simply made a note in my journal and let it be at that. I recommended the book to other people, yet strangely didn't get it for myself. I heard from them they loved the book and the teachings were so profound. Well, I finally got the book for myself and I must say it is one of the absolute best books I've read on relationships. There is spiritual/personal development aspects to the teachings, yet it is incredibly practical in its application. I don't see that often in other books, practical tips and strategies and ways to actually apply in a concrete manner to one's life, while at the same time changing you deeply inside that you will see the transformation shifts in your life and external world. I am doing every exercise in this book and got a journal specifically just to do the exercises. Since I'm not sure if my partner is yet open to this, I am also doing the exercises from his perspective and it's really opening my eyes to his soul and who he is as a person.

This is in most respects an excellent book, and certainly a very useful one. Real is an excellent writer, and has thought through couple's issues in a smart way, refreshingly different than many who have preceded him. He takes his good points almost too far at times, which -- in addition to some annoying self-hype -- is my reservation. In both this book, and in his prior " How Can I Get Through to You? Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women " (also excellent, similarly challenging) Real faces head-on the reality that many women come into couples work with fierce anger, maddeningly frustrated with trying to achieve true emotional intimacy - Real says `relational intimacy' - with their man. His premise is that many women's responsibilities and aspirations have grown as part of the women's movement and their resulting, empowered roles, during decades when many men's roles and expectations have progressed less dramatically. As difficult as the tone of the anger and complaint, Real suggests the substance of women's satisfaction is right-on. He makes a good case for this, which will provide some much needed vindication for women readers. This book -- like its predecessor -- is full of composite examples of couples-therapy sessions where the woman's attitude sounds in complaint and anger. As a guy, this anger feels withering. The man presented in these composite examples typically sounds clueless, mystified, and deeply hurt by his mate's harsh anger. Both the anger and the instinctive male response are sincere, and is true to my own experience trying to get help in couples therapy. So initially, I have found Real's analysis very alienating. His prototypical woman may often come off like a nag, and has that special knack of shaming while complaining. This both infuriates and, more deeply, frightens us men. Aarrgghh. It is at this point, I believe, where I and other men typically recoil and turn away from facing women's needs, and their own fears, as Real's approach requires. Fortunately, after initially putting his book down in my own anger, something inside led me to pick it up again. In Real's analysis, entitlement - often unconscious and almost always unacknowledged -- is at the root of the typical man's side of the relationship problems. We of the boomer and earlier generations were raised to quietly sit back in much that happens in the home, letting things take care of themselves. In reality, things don't really taking care of themselves; women are taking the care of the home. As men, our toughest work is traditionally as breadwinner outside the home. Once home, perhaps enlightened some by the women's movement, we may do chores and help with the kids. But we may also quietly avoid the challenging work of true relational intimacy with our woman. The man often sees no problem, or no rational issue. The man remains clueless, according to Real, partly by being silent. We may think, "what's the problem: I am nice and thoughtful, even sending flowers. I don't rage or abuse., etc...." Her anger seems mystifying. But the nub may be in the silence and disengagement, and in the urgent - even if silent - avoidance of shame. Having much earlier studied and written about male depression (" I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression "), Real understands that men's issues are often driven by shame, where women's are often driven by fear. (That distinction is worth reflecting upon more generally!) Because women are most heavily tasked with maintaining relationship, and have traditionally often been dependent on the man for economic and child-rearing reasons, women's fears are usually first expressed circumspectly, on eggshells, rather than angrily or "naggingly." A woman may attempt a host of careful, often fearful strategies for reaching for relational intimacy. The fierce anger arises gradually -- as more delicate strategies maddeningly fail. The ferocity feels like poison to the man, and is typically counterproductive. This book coaches us through techniques to address the resulting anguish and deadlock. Real presents examples and exercises that gently but deftly lead both woman and man through the territory I'm describing, including approaches by which women can bring their man over to considering confrontation with the deeper feelings that keep him at a distance. Real's approach is much needed, and this book not only explains unflinchingly, but suggests ways out of the deadlock. There have been important contributions along the way - e.g., Harville Hendrix' Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples . And there are libraries full of hyped up, supposed love-life panaceas. This fellow has a smart, tough set of insights, with ideas for finding our way out of the wilderness of too many current relationships. Caveat: Promotion of the book smacks a bit of hype. (This includes, for example, much of the book descriptions above.) Surprisingly - given the value of his analysis - the author writes with some self-promoting hyperbole - suggesting he is a virtual savior, rather than a man with some excellent advice. A wise reader can pretty easily ignore some of his self-flattering comments, which is well worth doing. More concerning, he sometimes 'sloganeers' about "21st century women and 20th century men," when he could do better to speak of changes in roles and expectations. He uses such demeaning labels and phrasings more here than in his prior work, and it is counterproductive. Thus, Real's approach can prove problematic in the actual couple's therapy setting. Some less-skilled therapists -- "Terry Real disciples" -- may encourage the 'more evolved' woman to vent at length before welcoming the 'less evolved' man's voice. Real sometimes reads like a scold, and a partner scolded in therapy will likely reject the work on a fundamental level. However legitimate the woman's complaint, venting about one's partner in couple's therapy can be as destructive as venting elsewhere. Worse yet, firmly establishing that he is indeed a "less evolved" person will profoundly undermine him, and thus destroy the therapy. Unless the goal is to end what the therapist judges to be a hopelessly bad partnership -- by simply giving an unhappy partner the voice and setting in which to leave -- mutuality of commitment is essential to couple's work. A key challenge for making Real's techniques work is to proceed without 'shaming' either partner.

Funny to say "I love this" book, because good lord is it a hard read. It is NOT an easy book to get through - because it very clearly breaks through the crud to get to the heart of the matter, doesn't hold back in its honesty and really says "if you want to learn, its not going to be pleasant because you're going to have to change sometimes decades long bad behavior, but here's the way to happiness". That said, it's an amazing book, because it really does give you that road map you need to fix your relationship, if you're willing to roll up your sleeves and get to work :) Oh and unlike what other reviews might suggest, no it does not just target men - it does however clearly speak to the problematic behavior both men AND women have been conditioned to engage in (typically, for men it's disengaging emotionally from the relationship, for women it's taking over the relationship). I didnt find it particularly stereotypical or anything, more talking about the bad behaviors we all can engage in when unhappy in a relationship - and again, the different ones we can begin to engage in to create a happier one.

Get it. Read it. Apply it WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SPOUSE DOES. Ideally, read it together. And, ladies, remember, sometimes the one who needs to "grow up and show up" is NOT the man... Most important takeaway: YOU are doing things you do not even realize you are doing that are hurting your relationship. Doesn't matter if your spouse really is or is not the bigger problem. Your issues MULTIPLY theirs. Get yourself straight. Read this as if it was ONLY about you. DO NOT use it to make your spouse wrong, use it to FIND and FIX your s***. You would be amazed at how much better things can be if you just get clear what you're contributing to the problem and really change. Good luck! (Obviously this advice does not apply in the case of serious abuse, real personality disorders and similar, significant problems. If you suspect significant problems, get yourself to a competent therapist (don't hesitate to fire incompetent ones!) and with that therapist, work on yourself and a plan of how to proceed. Most of the time you will be diagnosing your spouse with a "serious problem" where none exists, as a form of self protection, but getting to a good therapist (FOR YOURSELF, not to fix your spouse) is a really good move anyway)

This author is an integrator. By that I mean he is not hooked on one approach to helping relationships; he combines several approaches to create one that is comprehensive. As a relationship counselor, I have recommended this book to many clients with excellent results. Reading this book stimulates people to consider the influence of their childhood and their parents' marriage. It also helps men reconsider the messages they have received throughout their lives about what it means to be a man, especially insofar as these messages make it harder to get close to a partner. And while grounded in a feminist perspective, the author challenges and updates feminism for today's relationship challenges. But the books doesn't come off as academic or sociological; on the contrary, while articulating a context for contemporary marriages, it also offers plentiful and practical techniques for getting closer to one's partner and working through differences. This is the best book on close relationships I have found. And while it is written in heterosexual language, much of it is also applicable to gay and/or lesbian couples. I recommend this book without reservation to anyone who wants not just to stay married, but to get closer to one's partner or spouse.

Disclaimer: I prefer therapy that explores family of origin issues and how they shape how we relate to other people as we become adults. I cannot explain how much this book has helped me in my personal relationship with not only my partner, but even with my parents. I have found the advice in this book to be easy to follow, even if my partner won't follow them with me. Which is another piece of advice in the book. The real stories that are presented in the book also help make the material easier to relate to - even though no exact situation matched mine, it was easy to take bits and pieces from each. I originally purchased this book for Kindle and paid for the Whisper-Sync for Audible. I would highly recommend getting the book and the audio version. It's nice to reinforce the material in the car or on a walk. I have recommended this book to many friends and family members who are struggling in their relationships. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to a perfect stranger - which I suppose I am doing right now!

Very good

Terrence Real ist das Beste, das ich seit langem gelesen habe. Er sieht Verhaltensweisen und Muster und beschreibt sie sensationell gut und liebevoll. Für mich ist englisch eine Fremdsprache. Da dieses Buch nicht auf Deutsch vorliegt, lese ich es auf englisch und übersetze die fehlenden Wörter. Und dies nur für dieses Buch. U.a. folgende mit seinem feinen Humor gewürzte Aussage ist das Lesen mehr als wert: Wir wissen, dass wir niemanden mit einer Pistole an der Stirn zu einem liebevollen Verhalten zwingen können. Das hält uns jedoch nicht davon ab, es dennoch zu versuchen. Ich wünsche mir noch viele Bücher von Terrence Real.

Although meant for couples, this is very useful information for anyone having trouble communicating with or getting through to another. Thank you for all of the insight into healthy ways to relate and excellent examples!

There are many excellent ideas in " The new rules of marriage ". I would have given it the title, " How to fine tune your relationship ". Reading this book could make the difference between a successful marriage and a divorce. Should be read by every teenager and kept on their shelf rather than getting read after everything has gone pear shaped. There are one or two ideas in the book that I don't get. I especially like the overview p 290-295 eg Winning Strategies : 1, Shifting from complaint to request 1a, " Move from negative / past to positive / future focus." It's too easy to focus on the angry words said in the past instead of focusing on the good times ahead and all the wonderful experiences in travel, music, film, books, sports, art which can be enjoyed together & talked about . 1b " Make requests specific, behavioral and reasonable " Maybe that should be, " Make requests achievable, doable " but maybe if they aren't the reply needs to be like " I would like to make you happy, i just don't think i can do that " I've also just bought Anger Busting 101 by Newton Hightower which agrees in part and appears to disagree in part with Terrence Real about communication. Newton recommends that the winning phrases for daily use by men in marriage is, " you are beautiful, you are wonderful dear, I love you even when you are angry, I am so lucky to be with you " However winning strategy 4 Empowering each other 4b,Ask what you might do to help the responder deliver

What a find! Read it in two day and am immediately reading it again to start the process of action. It would have been even better if I had discovered it 30 months ago! I have it today and I am going to use it today. This is exactly what I have been looking for. The answer! It gives clear guidance on a better way to communicate with any fellow human being, married or not, but especially if married. Terry Real has another book titled 'I don't want to talk about it' which explains male depression in the most helpful, down to earth, understandable ways that is a real eye-opener and another highly recommended read.