Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse

This book is exactly what I needed at this time of my life. My abuse is within my close circle and within my family. I woke up one morning 4-5 years ago with a completely different perspective on life. Which is great really I’m grateful for that moment. But since I’ve felt all the emotions a person can feel every single day. The amount of hurt, frustration, and confusion I had from the thoughts/reality of my life grow everyday that passed. So the last 5 years have been a emotional roller coaster literally. After years of feeling this way I just wanted it to stop. I’ve seen three therapist over the years and the first two were a joke. The third therapist in my opinion made things worst after almost two years I realized. All this eat I’ve been sitting in of those emotions praying for it to stop. I came across this book on Amazon after reading the title (not thinking I was actually dealing with hidden abuse) then read a lot of reviews. After reading all information 2-3 times I was excited about this book. I received the book a couple days later and read half the book in a day. Then got to a point I had to go back to the beginning and read the studies and research. Im in shock completely and outer shock. This has been one of the most interesting, well written, easy to understand, very helpful book I’ve read in years. While still in shock I start to feel this calming feeling inside over the next week it became stronger and stronger. It turns out my whole life has been surrounded by psychological abusers from all (I mean all) every single family member sadly even myself. I was a abuser myself for the first 28 years of my life. Admitting it and understanding the part I played is just disgusting. It has been in my family I’m assuming for decades. I knew something was different with my family more and more as I got older. But what did the job completely waking me up. Actually had something to do with custody of my children between their father and his family. That parent child relationship and what my children actually mean to me and what I wouldn’t do for them for the rest of my life here. They didn’t ask to be here and it doesn’t matter what type of situation a baby is born in to. Babies are innocent and kids are too. And if kids are not taught about life, the responsibilities it comes with, etc. Those kids almost always have a ruff start and continue to have a ruff ride until they learn the hard way. I’m currently reading over my book for the second or third time and starting to journey in the back. My shock turned in to a calming feeling (deep down I felt I was going to be ok now) which now has turned to feeling at peace with my situation. This book has answered all the questions I’ve ever had that my mom (that choses to not communicated with myself or my child the last 5-7 years , Might texts for birthdays MIGHT) my dad, both grandmothers have sugarcoated, ignored, or gaslighting me. I’m so thankful to the author for writing this book. Thank you Shannon Thomas you did a amazing job on this book. I know it was written years ago exactly when my started to derail. But I personal just finding it and I’m so grateful I did. I’ve been inspired to believe in myself again and never to allow another human being to change that again. Since I started the journeying in the back (which btw is a genius idea that’s going to help me personal and I know it will for others.) I’ve realized this is the way of life for my family. Their choses doesn’t have to effect or include me and in order to communicate with them I’m going to need a plan from a therapist. I’ve also know now that if the plan doesn’t help change things going no contact is the next option and I’m completely ok with that. I unbelievable for the first time in years feel like I have control of my own life and feelings again. I lastly the peace I’ve been looking for all those years I’ve found in this book. Thank you I appreciate you taking your time to help millions of people.

Just started reading my copy of this book and cannot recommend it enough for it's accuracy in detailing so many issues of this very important subject. All descriptions of the book's good points that I found printed on the cover are accurate and the resonance with personal experiences is uncannily accurate, and the complexity of this subject really is well documented and so incredibly well understood and written about by this author. This book has a very supportive and maturely compassionate listing of the affects of this kind of abuse and many different complicated ways this kind of abuse takes place that are not seen nor understood even by trained therapists unless they specifically have had this particular kind of training for psychological trauma/abuse. A very good book easy to read with important information for everyone whether or not they have experienced this form of abuse. We all could benefit from being educated about it to better understand and have compassion for the many who are affected by it and we can better advocate for those affected by recognizing the signs of it and helping stop this kind of abuse from proliferating and doing any more harm. I've now finished reading this book and listening to the audio version of it and can confirm what I saw from the beginning that it is a very accurate description of the phenomenon of psychological abuse right down to words I'd been using to describe my experiences with it so that was quite a reaffirming experience. The complexity of the subject is so well treated in this book that it left me wanting the author to continue and will be a source of reference and study for me going forward so I got the ebook version too because it will be easy to search for topics that are all throughout the writing even in addition to the headings of various sections, there's just so much information in the writing that highlighting will also be helpful. The comparison of the subject to dealing with deprogramming from a cult was something I'd thought of too and a very important aspect of the book is that it treats the subject as situational rather than looking for some particular biological or chemical reason for the disastrous affects of being the victim/target of psychological abuse and this factor of looking at the entire situation and all players in it is something that is sorely missing from modern psychological theories and practice from what I've seen. One can imagine too and probably do the research to find these kinds of patterns of psychological abuse all throughout history so it's nothing new and a very good idea to get educated to it which is recommended in the book as stage 2 of the process of healing. Apparently there are also study groups organized around this book and they can be found from a reference in the book to the author's website that is the title of the book. I hope to see many more such works by this author and others further delineating this important subject it is ground breaking and breathtaking in it's clarity and exposing this extremely important subject in my opinion.

As a lifetime survivor, I am amazed and grateful at how clearly and thoroughly Shannon Thomas LCSW describes the hallmarks of the abused and the abusers and how each party arrived and behaves in an unhealed relationship. I appreciate her detailed insight on how to move from emotional chaos through recovery and into maintenance. The 6 STAGES OF RECOVERY are 1. Despair and Deprogramming, 2. Education, 3. Awakening, 4. Boundaries, 5. Restoration, and 6. Maintenance. She makes it clear that while not all professional therapists or clergy are cracked pots or evil people, they do exist (in all fields), and it's important to take care when choosing someone to help you through this life challenge. She also adds that education about personality disordered individuals is almost an after thought for those studying any type of counseling or psychology, so many are just ill-equipped to help along this healing journey (and may cause a lot of damage.) THOSE ARE ALL SUCH VITAL POINTS TO ANYONE AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR JOURNEY. She explains that while she can make a 'guess' about people in our lives she cannot diagnose them officially if they are not her client. She merely helps the survivor understand what the heck they are dealing with. She actually works to DEPROGRAM her clients, just like you would go through when recovering from a cult. It is the idea that we cannot see the truth. And, without this step, the lies the abuser tells rattle around in our brain and continue to harm us, and prevent healing. In the beginning stage, she is very gentle and allowing. She does NOT FORCE the stage one survivor to go no contact, because it needs to come naturally in the process of recovery. Words never better stated. Wish I had had her to walk me through this multi-decade process. I am eternally grateful for her care, dedication and playbook for recovery. Thank you for taking the time to write this book.

I am several years out of my emotionally abusive marriage and this book has helped me immensely. I’m now at a stage where I am on the other side of this trauma and I am looking back at it all, especially the healing journey, more intellectually, with a lot of curiosity about what specific elements helped me heal. It was a very long and gut-wrenching process, and I cannot tell you how helpful and validating, even now, it is to have the stages of recovery outlined so expertly and compassionately. Shannon Thomas is spot on about all of the stages and writes with such compassion and hope. There is a ton of specificity to validate your current reality and a gentle, compassionate tone. She even mentions that in Stage 6, Maintenance (where I am now), it is common to look back at the earlier stages to gain a deeper healing. I have friends who keep admonishing me to “Move on. You’re in such a better place now. Let it go!” But I can’t. There’s something pulling me back to look at it, and now I understand why. After reading this book, I do feel I can let it go more. But not totally. And that’s important: to move forward but never forget. Thank you for this, Shannon. The parts about how family members are won over by the abuser and play into the abuse are particularly helpful too. Mine did and still do, and it’s devastating. What is true about psychological abuse is that it is always with you: I still question myself: did this really happen? (Yes.) Was it as bad as I though it was? (Yes.) Was it ME? (Hell no.) My ex, who, because of our children is a “detached contact” situation, stilll engages in the gaslighting/crazymaking behavior but it is so ridiculously subtle. It is crucial for survivors to read and re-read books like this to maintain their groundedness in the healed space. The thing I am still stuck on is Shannon’s emphasis on the personality disorder aspect of the psychological abuse behavior. I am sure my ex is not a psychopath or sociopath. But is he a covert narcissist? I don’t know. I can’t wrap my head around that most days. So if he is not, does that mean that this (the abuse, all of the trauma, and my life changing journey because of it...) didn’t happen the way I thought it did? Was it actually something else? That is the part that leaves me stumped and still seeking. That would be my only slight criticism of this book. It feels like a requirement that the abuser have a personality disorder, and that leaves me in a confused state where I circle around and around it in my brain. I imagine that Shannon would argue that he IS a covert narcissist in that case, though, because his tactic is to keep me off-balance and questioning myself. Other books that helped me validate the abuse without the “requirement” of a personality disorder were Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He DO That?” And Patricia Evans’ “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”. I want to leave with the message that Shannon emphasizes throughout the book: you really can heal from psychological abuse. It takes time. Be gentle on yourself. I feel I have discovered my Purpose and Power from this devastating experience and even considering that I lost so much, I am really happy with my life and have become the woman I have always wanted to be, not only for myself but also for my kids.

I found Healing from Hidden Abuse at just the right time in my own healing journey. It helped me see where I am in the process and how to keep moving toward healing, rather than fear it or fight against it. Parts of healing do not feel like healing. They’re frightening and painful. And because hidden abuse is so hidden, especially to the people who might otherwise be the survivor’s support system, it can be incredibly hard for a person who is being covertly abused to recognize it, much less find a way out. Certain books have really helped me. This is one of them. The only thing that was a put-off for me were the author’s constant references to psychological abusers as “narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths,” especially early in the book. “Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths” do this. “Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths” do that. I agree with Shannon Thomas that it’s helpful for survivors to have a working knowledge of character disorders. But the way the information was presented, it seemed to require the reader to make a diagnosis, in order to confirm hidden abuse. And so, I kept wondering whether I could legitimately attach any of these labels to abusers in my life, and, if not, whether I could legitimately describe what happened to me as abuse. I almost quit reading early on, and would have missed out on an enlightening and encouraging book. I would have preferred that Shannon limit her use of the character-disorder labels when describing abusive behaviors. (And I’d encourage anyone else who is side-tracked by the labels to read past them.) Then, the survivor can focus on recognizing that: * Yes, the things done to me, that have been so hurtful yet so confusing, are abusive. * And regardless whether the person so behaving fits the criteria for a certain character disorder, that person is abusive. And that’s when the journey to healing, that Shannon Thomas guides you on, begins.

I thought this book was very well written, is honest and holistic in approach. Although persons who don't follow Christianity will greatly benefit from it, I read it from a Christian perspective (Ms. Thomas is also a Christian and mentions problems within the Church itself). I think it is a book every Christian should read because it gives a truthful assessment of the fallen world in which we live, including those who are part of the Church. Thomas backs up Jesus' warnings about weeds mixed with wheat and cunning wolves ready to devour the flock with modern psychology and relevant case studies and examples which could help someone formulate their own path to success in dealing with a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. If you think you may be in an unhealthy relationship or sense that you have to stay in misery just because someone (in particular a Christian pastor) tells you or shames you into believing that it's the "right" thing to do or that you must obey a person because they have complete God ordained authority "over you", open your heart to the Holy Spirit Whose wisdom He has given Thomas who has been led by God to investigate the dark side of human nature and relationships in general to help rescue those who are hurting. You will not be disappointed. I personally know abusive people like those mentioned in the author's book but somehow they are allowed to continue manipulating others while the victims patiently wait for them to change by some miracle from God all the while declining in physical, spiritual, and emotional and mental health. God is a god of action and wants us to take full agency in our lives in order to hold accountable/escape the grip from abusive people. Ms. Thomas clearly points out the stages of this type of abuse and how to change one's circumstance. I agree with her that it may not always mean zero contact, especially if kids are involved, but she will walk a reader through the steps necessary to stay safe if zero contact is not chosen as an option. While some Christian psychologists like Larry Crabb in his "Fully Alive" book (I will be posting a review shortly) and other Christian authors and/or pastoral or biblical counselors believe in telling a client how and what to think, feel and do, Ms. Thomas understands free will and a personal relationship between client and God. She understands human beings' worth as images of Him and the care in which God wants the spirit, soul and body to be brought into wholeness. Authors like Crabb don't. They believe in open borders to the heart, allowing anyone and everyone, including an abuser, in at "any cost", but this isn't scripturally sound, nor common sense, and it certainly isn't what Jesus taught us by example. Thomas on the other hand takes great care to logically, and by using critical thinking, help the reader establish boundaries for personal physical safety and mental sanity. As an aside a book I would recommend to complement this one would be "The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up For Yourself at Work and in Relationships" by Randy J. Paterson, Ph.D. I am thankful to Shannon Thomas for writing this book. She doesn't just talk the talk but has had to and continues to walk the walk. She is living proof that God can redeem what was lost for those who suffer in abuse.

The debut by Shannon Thompson helped me in ways I will never forget and I can not thank her enough for writing. After talking about an emotionally abusive relationship for years, one I began to believe would never get better, Shannon finally offered me something that no one else ever had. The truth. I should say that I am not a big champion of the idea that all arguments are a two street. I’ve also not reconciled that there are two sides to every story and both parties are either right or wrong. This allows for the truth to become more of an ‘idea’ than tangible fact. That doesn’t mean this isn’t ever the case. Not at all, but it shouldn’t be assumed it’s just the way relationships are. And yes, honesty is hard to come by, and it’s hard to accept that only one person may be to blame. It’s opens a Pandora’s box of scenarios. However, when you are experiencing the impulse to accept the reverse, without any reason to back this up, you’re allowing the concept of honesty to be an allegory. Or a story told merely for personal gain or to manipulate the narrative. The knee jerk reaction to not believe others, especially friends or family members, with no real proof they’re lying, can lead your loved one to not only rationalizing their pain to the point of accepting it, but believing they deserve it. The belief a person going through abuse isn’t being understanding enough, or that what they are telling you is merely an exaggeration, about something they’re struggling with, may lead to truth becoming something symbolic. An allegorical narrative to persuade you to their side, instead of something they need to talk to you about. Something they need help with. And of course some people do this, some people lie. But also, some people are afraid to speak up out of fear. This book isn’t for those who doesn’t believe you, it’s for the survivors. It helps you trust yourself enough to accept the absolute truth. Abuse is not love. While I myself obtained a Graduate Degree in Psychology, I didn’t gain the perspective of being in a powerless situation unless I was in one. I studied and taught enough to know, but not enough to understand. Shannon managed to finally be the only person who seemed to write about how abuse is always wrong. Physical, emotional, financial, and more doesn’t have to be justified because of the abusers past or current life situation. You do not deserve to lose your agency and sense of self because someone else tells you so. You also don’t have to be greatful that the abuse isn’t worse. I have re-read this book since getting out of the relationship years ago and it still holds up every time I read it. I would recommend it to anyone. Whether or not they you are currently in a relationship, I still believe it’s a pivotal read to learn the first signs and red flags of emotional abuse. Healing From Hidden Abuse helps to understand abuse by explaining the stages and signs of love-bombing, the use of triangulation, recognizing a partners sudden dark change in behavior, and generally knowing in your heart that is wrong to be afraid of your partner’s treatment toward you. If you can recognize these behaviors beforehand, you can better protect yourself and get out as sooner! 5 Stars!

This is by far one of the best books that I have read on the topic of psychological abuse. This book happened to land in my hands at a crucial time. I am in a psychologically abusive marriage where I am now going through a divorce. I needed something that could help me through this journey most of all I needed someone to tell me what I had walked through was not my fault or that I was crazy. I also needed a bigger understanding about what I was dealing with. This book has become a healing balm on this journey of mine to healing and wholeness. The chapter titled "The Basics of Psychological Abuse introduces what this type of abuse is really about and who are the abusers. The authors lets us know that is is a "stereotype that only men are narcissists, sociopath or psychopath." In this chapter of the book where the author talks about individual abusers where "The Toxic love interest or spouse "was very impactful for me. The author states "The person who was intended to be the safe harbor in life is actually silently drowning them. This is done right in plain sight." This was very meaningful to me because I was drowning in the waters of psychological abused inflicted by my husband yet the assumption by others was that I had a good husband. This book has validated the pain and lack of understanding that I have faced. This book contains so many healing and enlightening points too many for me to even list here.The author also took me on a journey through the six stages of recovery from hidden abuse which are as follows: despair, education, awakening, boundaries, restoration and maintenance. I admonish every person who is dealing with this type of abuse to get this book and gift it as well. I am a case manger and qualified mental health specialist and I would admonish professional to read this as well. All battered women shelters should have copies of this book.During my stay in one after I left my husband I saw that many women there were baffled by the way abusers had treated and made them feel . They were made to feel crazy because no one could see the actual scars or bruises. I am thankful for this piece of work a healing manual and education for the masses. I received an advanced copy of the book for an honest review.

This book is well written from the perspective of professional expertise as a licensed therapist and personal experience. In the first part Shannon Thomas answers many common but important questions. Some are: Who is a psychological abuser? What is the difference between Narcissist, Sociopath, and Psychopath? Do abusers know what they are doing? Where, when, how, and why do they harm others? Why can't they change? The aha-moments of this part finally lead to a sobering realisation. The relationship was all a lie and the abusive behaviour was intentional. The description of the six phases of recovery begins on page 65. It is the largest part of the book. 1. Despair: Life of survivors has become unmanageable 2. Education: Terms related to psychological abuse are explained like Gaslighting, Smear Campaign, Flying Monkeys, Narcissistic Offense, Intermittent Reinforcement, Idealize, Devalue, and Discard Phases 3. Awakening: Become aware of the abuse dynamics; you are not crazy; you are not alone; toxic people are everywhere 4. Boundaries: Healing can occur when boundaries are implemented and enforced. No Contact or Detached Contact are key elements 5. Restoration: Regain an enjoyable life, restore financial stability, physical health, emotional well-being, replace material items 6. Maintenance: Guard against future abuse, carefully select people who belong to the inner circle, shift away from old thought patterns and habits The final part begins on page 187 with the Personal Reflections Journal. Here the reader is encouraged to write down personal episodes, events, insights, and opinions to strengthen their comprehension. In addition to the profound educational content, this book was particularly helpful to me because it also contains the practical part. Writing things down allowed me to clarify my own experience with toxic people. Journaling is a powerful method of therapy.

I thought this was a great book. We have all encountered emotionally abusive people in our lives and this will give you an insight into what makes them tick. I think we sometimes wrongly think that kindness and understanding will bring round the nastiest of people. But this book enlightened me to the fact that narcissistic/ sociopath type personalities cannot be changed. I initially read the book to help me with trauma in my childhood, but as I read on, the personality traits described made me realise that someone I know in the present also has this personality type, as it described them perfectly. I had cut them out of my life and I now realise I made the right decision as the author explains that they will never change, so I feel justified in that. It also informs you how to be aware of these personality types and how to deal with them if you are not able to avoid them, such as at work. I found it a real eye opener, and it has helped me be so much more aware when dealing with people. There are handy further reading notes at the end of the book too. All in all, very enlightening.

I am just awakening to a 17-year marriage based entirely on emotional abuse. Three children, variously damaged. Impossible to describe the enormity of this realisation, that my previous love for my (soon-to-be-ex) wife was founded on nothing, and that I have been used and manipulated for 20 years without one drop of genuine reciprocity. Suffice to say that Shannon’s assessment and guidance are the best I have found so far. Shannon, deep gratitude directly to you. I have read enormously around the dark triad topic, and Shannon’s book was definitely the one that resonated most closely right from the first page. Of course when she reveals halfway through that she herself is a survivor of psychological abuse, everything became clear. Only someone who has gone through this hell and come out the other side, reborn and stronger, could capture, reflect and address the experience so precisely. A true inspiration in my darkest hour, right now Shannon you are a shining light on the horizon. Thank you, thank you, thank you. James

I read this book hoping to better understand my suffering and my post-breakup situation with my toxic ex. This book made me feel less alone and made me realize how many things I gave up because of him. He was the one I loved the most and I always tried to justify his actions towards me, without really paying attention to myself. Thank you Shannon for making me feel like I'm not crazy.

This book changed my life.. Post divorce , I happened to read this book by chance. It changed my perspective about an abusive relationship with a BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder (Diagnosed after divorce) Even knowing about her BPD condition , I was still under the belief that her love was genuine most times and she had gone astray unintentionally which led to divorce. The book opened up the exact patterns of abuse my Ex was practising during our relationship and made me realise the depth and the reasons for co-dependency I had with my partner for a shorter period post divorce. A true guide for a person to come out of any abusive relationship they are undergoing. An incredible eyeopener .Thanks a million Dr Shannon