Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle

Thank you for validating what I am experiencing in court and validating how the broken system works when I thought it was just me being in the wrong and how that in and off itself is cognitive dissonance.I don’t know how you never backed down out of fear. It helps to be able to have the words. I never knew what was possible to me when it came to protecting my kids. Due to financial abuse, I didn’t have the resources to hire a private investigator, but that would have been so helpful. There is so much I am unable to prove that occurred behind closed doors that even a PI wouldn’t have been able to see when my kids were just babes spending time with their father as Ordered by the court. I pray that comes to light some day.

I originally found Tina's website and the related Facebook page while in the throes of my own divorce with an N. I didn't actually read the book until my divorce was finalized, because I was so scattered and simply didn't have the energy or the funds to do so. That said, if you are in the middle of divorce and can get your hands on a copy, definitely do it! Read it if you're thinking about divorcing an N. Read it if, like me, you are already divorced from an N. Read the book and follow up on Tina's website to see what's happened since the book was published and you will be instilled with a sense of hope and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel!When I first realized what my ex was, I felt like I was crazy. Family members and friends thought I was crazy. Then I came upon Tina's website and the Facebook group and couldn't believe how many people were out there, just like me, living the same nightmare my child and I were living. Simply sharing the common thread, albeit one I wish no one had to share, gave me a sense of relief. There is an unspoken camaraderie amongst the survivors of these Ns because we all understand one another. The names, faces and situations may differ, but there are distinct similarities in what drives Ns, how we should respond (or not) and what we all want. We want to survive. We want to protect our children. We want them to thrive. We want to be free.Throughout my divorce I often went to Tina's website and the Facebook group. I didn't post there then because I wanted to remain anonymous. But many questions posed were questions I wanted to ask. The answers are typically insightful and helped to reaffirm that I was on the right track.While reading Tina's book, I kept thinking, "Yep. Uh huh. She could be writing about my ex N." Even though I was already divorced, it still felt good to be reminded that my child and I were not alone in this battle. Because, really, the battle doesn't stop just because the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Tina's bravery showed in her writing of this book. The "Red Light Reflections" are invaluable to aid in avoiding future pitfalls and also serve as a glaring reminder of what exactly it is you're dealing with when you're involved with an N. The reminder to disengage is extremely important as well, especially when you want to kick and scream at all the lies and torment an N will throw at you. It's difficult, but it's necessary.Thank you, Tina, for being the voice of thousands of Moms and Dads. Thank you for sharing what I know had to be very difficult to share. Thank you for bringing this topic out of the shadows and into the light.

This is not high brow literature. It rambles and meanders along, sometimes runs on when it shouldn't. Editing atrocious, but then again I am typing without my reading glasses on an iPad. What it does have in abundance are the key words and phrases needed to research the NPD phenomena, the uplifting words needed to guide you along the way, the invaluable tips and the overall empowerment needed to cope and eventually move forward. Grammar be damned, buy this book. Whether you associate yourself with an NPD, and I truly believe most people won't ever meet that perfect storm,it's still important to arm ourselves, our young women especially, from following down this path. It's sad when our own children must learn these coping and survival skills against their own parent. I see it in my own children. Yes, children experience PTSD from this, but they also gain skills to readily navigate real life as adults thru careful therapy. Every person who works in the family court system, who advocates for children, who is a mandated reporter should know the NPD. Our case is unique because we also battled the might of the U.S. Army and their inability to cope with an NPD, his own personal mental issues aside from any ptsd claims of his, his relative who worked as a mandated reporter and understood how to work the system, the military's need to make this problem disappear or be contained and then the court system that was expensive and designed to give false power to the NPD as well as the Army who empowered his NPD persona and feel he was winning as documents clearly stated he'd lost, or had perjured himself. Even CPS failed as they listened to children describe their fears in a rational, non coerced way privately, as the school system voiced concerns regarding the NPD yet still recommended contact w the NPD. It's a saga. Even helpful, well meaning people set you back, those that see the NPD and know him but want you to accommodate and play nice. Fortunately I sruvived because I had family and friends who did not let me dwell inside my head, who honed my skill to read between the NPD lines, who reminded me who I was, not who he said I was. We owe our family to such people. Read THIS book. Leave the high brow at home and read it. At the least, let it start your journey. Wish I'd known of it at the very beginning, but I learned quickly, manuevered efficiently and fought hard for the battle I could not lose, my children. I connected every lesson here within weeks, cultivated my battle strategy and surrounded myself with key people who fed my soul, who uplifted me, who allowed me to borrow their brains, skills and expertise.

This book is a must for anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist and is only just really coming to terms with this fact. I was in this position when I read it and Tina's story and insights helped me immeasurably with so many things. I realised I was not alone in what I had experienced which was a giant comfort. I also did a lot of grieving inside of the realisation that all my efforts during my relationship (with a very mentally unwell person) were actually for nothing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder cannot be cured. There were many "Eureka!" moments during this book where everything slotted into place and I began to recognise that the patterns of behaviour I had learned to normalise were in fact anything but normal. Having spent years in a relationship with a man who has NPD my mind was well and truly messed up, and my confidence, self-esteem, happiness and sense of self had all but been destroyed. The journey home to reach the 'full self' again is proving to be a long one (for me), but this book took hundreds of miles off the road and brought the sun back up again, where before there was full darkness. For healing, insight, encouragement, advice, reminders, comfort and more, I highly recommend this wonderful book.

Great book. It shines a light on the subject of having a deceitful, self obsessed, arrogant, partner, and their ability to assassinate your self worth and beliefs over time.I related to most of its contents - the red flags, his parental influences, and even how I ended up with this muppet! I blamed myself for over 10 years for making a bad choice. It was only a few years ago that I forgave myself when I realised I had been played. Conned. Duped. Manipulated.This book has helped me to understand why I was left feeling so betrayed by our legal system (England & Wales), and has made me start asking my solicitor and court mediators if they have experience in dealing with narcissists. (So far, those asked have declared 'none'. Worryingly my latest mediator is also a practising judge!)It's a book I will be recommending to others. It should be a book everyone in the Family Law, Child Protection Services sectors should read.Thank you Tina. I hope you find peace sooner rather than later.

This book shows how human we all really are. Where does the blame lay, with him, with me, or the system?With him for deceiving others.With me for deceiving myself.With the system for remaining ignorant.For him there is no hope...he has a personality disorder.For myself and the system there is always hope...through developing awareness and then behaving appropriately.

Absolute God send when trying to navigate family court with a high conflict ex. This book has saved my sanity, helped me realise I am not mad or bad, and given me tools to survive the next 16 years until I am more 'free'. It should be compulsory reading at DV shelters and for judges, social services, cafcass and solicitors. Tina - I'm sorry you've experienced this but thank you so much for writing about it.

I constantly had eureka moments reading this book, you will too. It's amazing how similar her story is to mine and many other people I know.